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True
Love Advice
True
Love Advice - The Pain Of Relationship
We all recognize and have felt the pain of not being
in an intimate relationship. We feel bad, like something's missing. Yes,
we're okay by ourselves, being on our own. But there is an actual physical
and emotional pain sometimes that goes with not having a mate.
So when we find a partner we feel great. The pain goes away. We feel
complete, we feel loved and loving, it's all great. We are in the honeymoon
phase of our relationship, where everything is marvelous. The pain we felt
of being alone has disappeared.
Then something interesting happens as we leave the honeymoon phase of the
relationship. As we move into the second phase of relationship, the me/us
phase, where we start to get back to our own interests and goals and
separate from our mate some, some pain returns. The second phase is about
having a partner and having a life, balancing relationship with the other
drives of life.
In the me/us phase, we still love our mate. But perhaps they seem to be too
distant, and we might start to feel unloved. Or perhaps they seem too
clingy, and we start to feel smothered. Maybe they start to show up for us
like they need too much space, or they are too uncommunicative. Issues
arise, small or large between us.
When this occurs, and it occurs in all relationships, we start to feel pain.
A pain we all feel is that we want the honeymoon phase back, or we want it
to last longer.
Here's the thing: we have now entered into the
pain of being in a relationship. Just as there is pain in not having a
lover, there is pain that goes with having one.
Because the honeymoon phase was so delightful, we all seem to think our
whole relationship should feel that way. But it won't. Not for you, not for
anyone else. Relationships are just one part of adulthood, there are other
things we must handle in life to be happy. A relationship was never intended
to be the only source of our love and happiness in life.
So understand this insight: there will be pain in your relationship. It
might be light pain, like wondering if your mate truly loves you anymore, or
it may be sharp pain, like fighting and arguing. It might be a low ache,
like feeling lonely inside your relationship, or a harsh slap, like feeling
rejected by your partner.
So you are doing well if you understand that intimate relationships come
with pain. You don't need to kill off the relationship because you are
hurting or your partner is dissatisfied. Dissatisfaction is just another
pain we can feel inside a relationship. You can stay in your relationship
through the pain. Another relationship won't be the answer, because it will
have pain too.
So let any pain that occurs for you from your love relationship guide you to
greater understanding and maturity. You can work things out. Sometimes you
need to work on yourself, sometimes you need to work on the relationship,
but if you understand that relationship are an inquiry into intimacy and
true love, you can both continue to grow whether you feel pain or happiness
from your partnership.
Action Steps:
1. Notice any pain that you feel around your
relationship. Is it worry? Concern? Feeling burdened?
Feeling burdensome? It's all okay and normal.
2. See if there are any intimate requests you
can make of your mate to ease the pain. Don't make them be mind
readers.
Remember, true love is your birthright. It is
what we all deserve. You don't have to wait for it, you don't have to
have the perfect lover. You can bring it. You can start loving
the people around you as they are. Allow the people in your life to be
the way they are, and the way they are NOT, and you begin to step into the
possibilities of generating more true love.
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